HOW TO HELP YOUR TEEN DEVELOP AUTONOMY
The adolescent stage of development is difficult not only for teens but also for the parents involved. As a parent of a teen, we are always battling with wanting them to behave like an adult and be independent, but also wanting to coddle them and control all aspects of their lives.
During this time in their development, your teens will likely express a desire for autonomy. When they begin to try and establish this sense of freedom, you may notice they start to say things such as, "why won't you just let me be", "why can't I decide instead of you deciding for me?", Or "why won't you let me do anything I want to do?".
When you hear your teen saying these things, in your head, you are likely thinking "I'm making you do this because its best for you", "you can't do that with your friends because it's unsafe", or "I'm not going to just let you be, because I am your parent and I need to know whats going on in your life".
It is evident that as a parent, it can be hard to let go and let your teens make decisions for themselves and allow them to express their opinions. However, it is essential that during this time in your teen's life that you assist them in developing their autonomy.
That doesn't mean just letting them do what they want, but it does mean giving them a little more freedom. Teens must learn how to manage their own lives, but it is also important that they have the guidance and support of those closest to them along the process.
Below are a few ways as a parent you can support and help your teen develop autonomy:
1. Set Rules/Expectations
For your teen, it is important that you set consistent and structured expectations/rules. For example, when they can date, curfews, summer jobs, safety, driving privileges, and how they use their money. However, as you create these rules, ensure that your expectations can be adjusted as your teens grow and their needs change. When you set these rules, also ensure that you discuss with your teen the reasons for these rules and that you ask for your child's thoughts. Also discuss with your teens the consequences that will come if rules are broken. Consequences are never a teen's best friend, which is why it is also crucial that you ask your child what they think about the consequences you have come up with. You then must encourage them to explain their thinking. Encouraging your teen to explain their thinking is something that should be done in all conversations. The reason for this is that it is easy for parents to assume they know what their teens are thinking and why. Allowing your teen to explain themselves not only helps you to better understand what your child is thinking and feeling but also helps them practice communicating their autonomous thoughts. Having these types of collaborative conversations with your teens will allow your children to feel that sense of autonomy they are looking for. These conversations will also help strengthen your relationship because they will get the sense that they are being heard and understood (which is something they likely don't get in the outside world).
2. Ask Them for Help Making Decisions
To add to the collaborative conversations, you must let them contribute to family decisions. For instance, ask them for their opinion on things such as, where to go next for your family vacation, how to plan a family gathering, what to cook for dinner, what family car you should get, what new color you should paint the house, or what type of new family pet you should bring home. Allowing them to feel once again as if their opinions matter and that they can express their thoughts on some issues will help them establish a sense of autonomy.
Also, allow them to make some of their own choices regarding themselves. For instance, teens are always being told what do, what to say, and what to think by instructors at school and society. So, giving them the ability to decide on things such as, what they want their room to look like, their hairstyle, what outfits they want to wear, and what extracurricular they wish to join; will allow your child to learn how to weigh his/her options and make a decision on their own.
3. Show Your Appreciation
When you see your child making the right decisions and being responsible, make sure you acknowledge them. Also, thank them for what they are doing. By doing this, you will encourage their responsible, autonomous behavior, and they will feel proud of themselves.
***This is just a brief over view of some of the ways you can help your teen. For a more detailed description of the development of autonomy in adolescents and what parents can do to help them develop their independence copy and paste into your URL the PDF link below by the University of Nebraska https://www.basicknowledge101.com/pdf/Development%20of%20Autonomy%20in%20Adolescence.pdf